whenever my car breaks down in public, i experience a particular kind of panic.
i do not know completely how cars or their engines work. i ought to be able to describe it in fuller detail, it just hasn’t been a domain i prioritize.
but when my car breaks down, i just want someone to tell me what to do; someone to tell me what’s wrong.
in that moment of panic, i seek an expert. my ability to think critically can temporarily go out the window because my emotional state is a bit chaotic.
what is the emotion of panic? i would characterize it by a certain loss of control, but also by a certain kind of desperation. it’s not only not knowing what do, it’s not knowing what is going to happen no matter what one does.
when my car couldn’t start and i was sitting at the gas pump, panic began (should this note be for panic or exports, i don’t know but it’s interesting that i am finding a strong relationship between them)
fortunately, good people were abound, offering their support - but no real experts. “do you need a jump?” (i don’t think its my battery) “it’s definitely your starter” (but is it though?)
i left my car and returned about 45 minutes later. i knew that i needed to get a couple valuables back home before i continued working on the car. i also wanted to change into some lighter clothes while i was debugging.
i also used chat gpt to help me diagnose the problem. why? experts. or at least the facsimile of experts. i thought i had narrowed down the issue to the fuel pump or potentially the starter. i wasnt much ready to have chat gpt further try to diagnose the issue. i just really wanted to know if i would be able to start the car again.
at this point, a gentleman in a newer, silver honda pulled up beside me. almost only as if to talk to me because of the car - it didn’t seem like he did too much there beyond assist me.
i rolled down my window and after it was evident he wanted to chat further - just to assist me - i got out of the car. we offered to buy the vehicle, but i told him im planning on holding on to this vehicle just about as long as i possibly can. at one point he offered to check out the starter, so i accepted. when he got out of the car, i noticed he feet were bowed inward and he had a gait abnormality.
he got in my car and immediately said something about the fuel pump. i told him i was going to get it towed and he offered to do it for $50. we chatted for about a minute. he gave me his phone and was very generous about offering help with working on the car. he said he knew multiple folks who worked on honda - even cosmetic stuff it seemed.
at this point i decided i just will go home and deal with this tomorrow. i let the gas station manager, who recognizes me, know that my car would likely be there overnight.
i felt better after talking with him, even though i wasn’t sure exactly why. he seemed confident in his diagnosis - and it seemed to align with some of the suggestions the llm gave me. as i walked home and mentally affirmed my game plan, i felt okay. likely, i am reasoning, because i had a new sense of resolution internally. i had something i could predict.
if instead i decided that every hour i would try and restart the vehicle, i would be adding unnecessary expectation and uncertainty into my day.
with each additional expectation comes a new opportunity for anxiety, or worry for the unknown.